Online Dating & Blind Dating Nightmares

BLIND DATES THAT MADE YOU WISH YOU WERE!

I was a fan of online dating a few years ago, and had profiles everywhere: Lavalife, Plenty of Fish, American Singles, Singles Net, Latino Singles, Latino People Meet, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I assure you, there WERE nightmares.  One very promising girl turned out to be my cousin, another was such a hick,  I wanted to deport her.  But I must say, the worst ones for me are the "bait & switch" dates.  You know, like when you go to Auto Land for the Toyota Avalon, and it turns out to be a beat-up, used, rebuilt 1989 Tercel?

Ok, heeeere we go.

This woman responded to my ad, she was drawn in by my witty banter and outrageous sense of humor (her words) and I checked her profile: Caucasian, 42, 5'6", single, artist, hetero...  The photo was of a pretty attractive woman, with a mane of curly red hair, very nice figure, and green eyes. She was standing in a garden, a large painting on Canvas was spread across the red tiled garden floor,  and she stood barefoot upon it, in a kimono .  Sexy, right?

We agreed to meet for coffee or lunch in the Village the following weekend, and I was looking forward to the encounter, and nervous at  the prospect that she would be my first Caucasian date in years.  After our phone conversation, I resumed work, wrapping up my day of consulting for a New York retail company.  The phone rang again, and I recognized the number as "Diana's" (Names Changed To Protect The Innocent...ME!)  and thought she had called to cancel our date.  "Hi, it's me again, I was thinking, why wait til' the weekend, I am soo looking forward to getting to meet you in person, and I figured, why wait?  How about tonight?"  I was surprised, flattered, and a little stressed at the rushed meeting, since I had already mentally penciled it in for the weekend, and this meant I would have to rush, and all that crap.  I reluctantly  agreed, and rushed home to get ready.

I was back in the city by 7:30, and our meeting at a popular Greenwich Village Cafe' was at 8:00.  She called once she had crossed the bridge, and was in Manhattan to get directions.  As I waited, I became more nervous, wondering what to say; do I kiss her, shake her hand, what if she doesn't like me, am I gonna say some dumb crap or is she gonna hate the restaurant.....She called to say she was three blocks from the cafe', and I advised her to grab any parking due to the scarcity of spots in the area, and I would walk towards her car which she described as a black, late-model Nissan.

As I walked, I thought it would be fun to cross the street, and double back and come from the opposite direction than expected, and surprise her.  It would also give me the strategic "first look".  It started to rain as I got  to the street she was parking on, and I ducked into a Dunkin' Donuts to keep dry, and watch her park.  When I looked across the street, I could see the car, but no Diane.  The rain had slowed to a mist, and I scanned the street for her.  Couples passed, traffic, but I didn't see her.  Could I have passed her on the way?  Yeah, that had to be it.  I flipped my phone open and re-dialed her number, it went straight to voice-mail.  As I debated going to the cafe', or waiting, a woman approached the car, she was covering her head with her handbag.  She was HUGE, and I felt my heart sink, when I saw the red hair.  Naw, that couldnt be her, I kinda laughed to myself and thought "THAT would be F---ED UP!"  Ah, I'm working myself up over nothing, and when I see her, I'll tell her, and we'll both laugh, that'll be the ice-breaker.

I dialed her number again, and to my horror, "Jabba The Hutt" across the street began digging in her purse for the phone.  I almost had a mud puppy!  NOW what do I do?  I crossed the street at the pace death-row inmates probably walk to "Old Sparky".  As I got closer, I could see that the arms protruding from the sleeves of her dress, were thicker than my thighs.  As I approached her, she was facing in the opposite direction.  As she turned to face me, I started to say: "Hey lady, ya waitin' fer somebody?" but when I saw her, I swallowed that, and went blank.  It was like someone hit my ctrl-alt-del, I re-booted.

"THERE YEW AWAR, and yawer GOURGISSSSSS!"  The woman could have been my Grandma.  She grabbed my arm and headed towards Saint Marks Street.  I felt like one of those college kids that walked dogs to pay their tuition.  She was almost dragging me. I apologized for not being at the car when she parked, and making her wait. As I did, I studied her, trying not to show my shock and horror...or faint. "Uh...Dianne, ...uh, you said you were 45 in your profile."  I had to ask, right? She replied: "Well, I  FEEL 45, and age is just a number."  "Yeah, but I think you left out a couple of numbers from your profile.  Do you mind if I ask how old you REALLY are?"  "I'm 67 years young."  I thought to myself, "Yeah, but ya ain't gonna get to be "68 years young", cause I'm gonna smother your ass with a pillow!!"  Never the less, we went to dinner, and she joked that because it had rained, she would give me a wet t-shirt show.  I could taste bile.  

We had dinner, she ordered Minestrone soup, and as she ate, I could see, and hear her dentures shifting and clicking!  "I want a hot sexy Latin man to make long, passionate love to me, for hours!"

Check Please...CHECK!